her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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