I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
