There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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