Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
People in love make me want to vomit
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize