I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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