Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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