I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
