I looked at my own cervix.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
