You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
