I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
