....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
