the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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