He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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