i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
