Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
