i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize