I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
God I need to hump something, right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
