Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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