He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have aggressive nipples.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
