miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
