dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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