Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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