I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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