Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
