if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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