So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
