I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize