I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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