Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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