ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
