awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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