Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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