i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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