I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
