You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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