Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
