I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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