The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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