i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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