I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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