You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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