how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
