Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
