So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
