alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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