Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
