She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
