singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
