I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
