Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
