I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
