Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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