Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize