I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
