I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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