GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Girls should come with a carfax report
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
