even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
