A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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