Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
