I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
