So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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