omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize